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Click on the photo below to enter the current caption contest
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More Caption Contest Winners: Spicy meatball?"Evidence of the decline of family fun."- april11 "So, can you swim?" - Hodink "So how did George Washington do this?" - i3putt "Joe, you'd tell us if we were sinking, right?" - KDANTEATER "I told dad that fat people go in the front of the boat!" - morgiesmom "Next time, honey, let's put the KFC picnic in the front." - Bouhaki "Yeah, I've got a fat ass, but it's my boat, putz!" - piggy "That's it! We're not hittin' that all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet tomorrow!" - funnigal "One too many cheeseburgers." - Jiminy Crewcuts "Obviously, some people are not pulling their weight!" - alk "Paddle faster, they're gaining on us!" - KDANTEATER "The Dumb and Dumber Dating Service found many suitable applicants." - Hodink "Low budget sequel to 'The Titanic.'" - Sammy "With its poor economic state, Russia reveals its new class of submarines." - spe934 "Yet another hitch in 'The Matrix' gravity laws." - Matthew "Mama Mia. That's a one a spicy meatball." - Hodink  The Matrix gravity laws?"Stand on the rock by the chain. Move down to the cliff edge. When ready, jump and holler 'Geronimo!!!' You will piss in your pants on the way down, but no one will notice because you will get very wet."- Chortle "First little kid: 'Gee, it looks a long way down." Second little kid: "I think I'll suck my thumb.' Third little kid, 'Weeeee!!!'" - Thumbsucker "Three stages of confidence: 'Don't think I'll try that.' 'I might jump.' 'Shoot, may as well.'" - WildGoose "Kids play 'follow the leader.' Unfortunately, the leader was an idiot." - Serious Alvin "Jumping from the Dock of the Bay." - KDANTEATER "Last one in has to be Bishop Law's new altar boy!" - Piggy "If you touch your nose before you hit the rocks, it won't hurt, bro!!!" - Duzitalot "Scientists crossed a human with a lemming and achieved excellent results." - Hodink "Old conventional wisdom: 'Children should be seen and not heard.' New conventional wisdom: 'Children should be neither seen nor heard.'" - Lasting Magic "Thrill seeking starts early. An early signal is that first whiz on dad during a diaper change." - Bouhaki "Suicide bomber brigades are getting younger, and also running out of explosives." - Evil Empire "Why is the shark smiling?" - KDANTEATER "A hitch in The Matrix's gravity laws means that the river hippos will go hungry for a few more days." - candypopper "Did you see the Animatrix yet? See it and this photo will make sense." - candypopper  Who says we're making fun of terrorists?"One more hour of Brady Bunch re-runs and he'll tell us everything!"- WoodyHaynes "Anybody got any teeth whitener?" - Hodink "Hymentu Anamalz demonstrates the first step in French kissing a camel." - Duzitalot "Muhammad Bin al-Bard's reaction to the first showing of Fiddler on the Roof and in a Baghdad theater." - Matthew "See? Your mother told you not to do that or you would turn to stone. Better listen to Mom." - Chortle "What nuclear weapons?..." - spe934 "There were varying reactions when Afgani women removed their burquas for the first time...." - Big Fat "Amazing make-up job on Dustin Hoffman. He stars in the cinema thriller, Attack Of The Gigantic Breast." - Lasting Magic "Maria, I've just met a girl named Mariaaaaa" - easter "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!" - april11 "They killed Kenney! You bastards!" - otmfp "IIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii........'ve got a wedgie!" - jwax "You may have thousands of bombs. But know this: We still have three or four guns and a full crate of bullets. And some knives, I think. You cannot hope to prevail." - sweets "First "Hooters" bar opens in Baghdad. Locals rapt." - s2art "Look at me! I'm screaming!" - KDANTEATER "Holy Allah! I just refinanced my camel! I'm getting tired of screaming! For the last time - take my name off your call list!!" - Western infidel "Oh my Allah. I have been asking you for a fortnight, but you still have not returned my Def Leppard CD! You are trying to burn it on your computer? Just come over to my place and do it, and we can burn other things...like heathen American flags...HA HA HA HA HA HA! I am SO clever!" - wepeel "Shi'ite!" - Bebe  Too much monkey business."Hey Sailor! Ya wanna get lucky?"- Glenn "Other monkeys looking ... be cool ... be cool." - Big Fat "J. Edgar Rhesus" - Piggy "Bobo the Chimp discovered that, to his chagrin, his ploy to become a cheap hooker would never work." - anon "New reality show spin-off: For Love or Monkey." - Tricia "Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize!" - Bouhaki "If I find the organ grinder that dressed me up like this, I'm gonna make a grinder out of his organ!!!" - Duzitalot "Judge Judy on her day off." - april11 "Joan Rivers denies surgery failure." - s2art "Prison was not kind to Martha Stewart." - Chortle "Celebrity photographer catches the reclusive Kathryn Hepburn at this year's Mardi Gras." - Duzitalot "Tammy Faye didn't realize her case of Monkey pox was so serious." - JeffJohnson "After 6 month's on the Atkin's diet, Barbara Bush held a news conference." - Duzitalot "Today, Phyllis Diller celebrates her 96th birthday." - Lenny "After mistakes in her gene therapy, Julia Roberts stars in 'Pretty Monkey'" - Duzitalot "The Rally Monkey got a bit tarted up when the Anaheim Angels won the World Series." - Rachel Edith "PETA spy at a fashion show." - KDANTEATER "Refugee from a Max Factor testing lab." - Duzitalot "Eminem's future wife (no one else will date him)." - KDANTEATER "What Bill imagined when Hillary said, 'You aren't gonna make a monkey outta me, William Jefferson Clinton!!!'" - Duzitalot "She was bored with her family, her job and her life. She wanted to be called 'Wild Thing.' Vegas beckoned." - Lasting Magic "Everyone was concerned about the CHILDREN sleeping in Jacko's Bed ... no one gave a SH*T about the effects it would have on ME!" - jadeeyecat  "Now raise your hand if you're gay AND high...""How Vanessa Van Gogh lost her ear."- Duzitalot Woman on Left: "Bartender, I'll have what they're drinking." - Chortle Girl in Orange: "If only I had bought the blue lipstick and white halter top." - Zahevan Camera Man: "I hope she leans over just a BIT more!!" - Zahevan "There, no more ear wax." - Big Fat "Dude, my chemistry TA said that eating earwax makes the high last longer... really, I swear." - candypopper "I told you I washed behind my ears Mom, stop it!" - otmfp "....and this is the cochlea, and these are your semicircular canals. I told you anatomy class was going to be fun!" - focusteacher "Another 'Girls Gone Wild' taping." - spe934 "Now raise your hand if you're gay AND high..." - Dennis B. "Lesbos demonstrate the politically correct alternative to French kissing" - Duzitalot "Mattel expects major holiday hit with Lesbo, the blow-up doll." - Bob "Enid decided that, here and now, right in the middle of line dancing, was the time to come out." - Lasting Magic "That's sweet, but not now honey! I'm trying to wave to the Pope!!" - easter "Everyone experiments in college, or vampires find resistance to sunlight." - mcr_boy "Scientists warn: ecstasy use hazardous to your wardrobe." - the gurgle "Watch, I just blow in here ... and they get bigger." - s2art "A blonde brain transfusion." - yeahhh "Will the person that put the super glue in my lipstick please raise their hand." - Duzitalot "Mike Tyson's daughter." - funnigal "Teeth whitener $15 Tickets to get in $25 Fabulous dancing bra $35 Kiss to make up after the big fight - Priceless!" - Hodink  All entries with "E.T." or "mast-ass" jokes were correct."E.T., where are you?"- Pb "E.T. outtakes." - spe934 "Today, E.T. took second place at the X-games." - Lenny "E.T. goes to the E.R." - Duzitalot "E.T., phone help..." - Matt Dillon "No phone home. Phone 911" - kaellis "E.T., screw you!" - KDANTEATER "I don't understand. It worked in the Wizard of Oz." - Susan "'Everybody falls the first time.' (Have I stolen Matrix's thunder this week?)" - Rib tickler "Binky does a flip after having beaten the boating competition in the Bike & Boat Race." - Lasting Magic "Tony never foresaw that he would fall ON the mast..." - Zahevan "First human-bike juggling contest." - Skroub "A new Olympic sport: The mast bicycle jump hole in one." - glenn "Airborne bicycle: $80 Flying lessons: $300 A sailboat through the ass: priceless." - darvijen "Watch out for that m...ASS...t!" - Rube "Not having adequate health insurance, Bill tried an alternate means of removing his hemorrhoids." - Hitman "Young Evil Knievel's first ride without training wheels was a blast." - Rib tickler "Cirque du Soleil meets Waterworld." - abnsvy "It was just about at that point that God decided He didn't really like Eric." - KDANTEATER "On second thought, she said a left and not a right turn." - Lasting Magic "This is some fine acid." - Chortle "Bert studied hard to learn levitation. His bike studied even harder." - Hodink "Look Mom, no hands..." - Rib tickler "Never ride a bike on an airplane." - KDANTEATER "As the sun began to set on their game of "Extreme BMX Football," Lucy pulls the ball on Charlie Brown one last time..." - Lt Owl  Who says we're making fun of cancer victims?"There is no spoon."- The Matrix "Telly Savalas: The Early Years." - Tricia "The late Jackie Coogan's nephew finally receives royalties from The Munsters TV show and buys himself a new car." - Sammy "Goddamn it Billy Corgan. When are you ever gonna grow up?!" - Rib tickler "We're off to see the wizard!" - Hodink "When cloning goes horribly, horribly wrong." - aleacim33 "Mills Lane Barbie." - KDANTEATER "Of the many 4X4s we've reviewed, the Barbie Malibu cruiser must be the worst." - poopkin "All chicks dig a man in a pink jeep." - spe934 "Nah, yah shoulda got the Grand Cherokee." - poopkin Driver: "Goddamn Fisher-Price Humvee owners. Move outta my way, jackass!" - Rib tickler "I'm going to run over that Frodo, my precious." - Gollum "How women drivers get their start." - Bouhaki "The final result of male sensitivity training." - Che "Remember girls, the road is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards." - Chortle "Wow...an opportunity to make fun of a little girl who's probably suffering through Chemo therapy...those guys at Garlic News are total bastards..." - beNice2kidsNchemo "Running low on cash the 'Make a Wish' Foundation tells kids to get themselves to Disneyland." - Rib Tickler "Who says cancer isn't fun?" - BPK  Nothing like a set-up for fart jokes to draw out the multitudes."Pffffft."- the rib tickler "A Mighty Wind." - Jack Palethorpe "In the line of fire." - Rachel Edith "Sum Phat Az scores high in Sumo Farting contest." - Duzitalot "Note to self, remove chili from training lunch menu." - Hitman "Auditioning for Japan's newest reality show 'Fart Factor', Kiyoto Huzama gets ready to rip a big one." - The Chad "The result of too many tofu dogs." - Che "Uh oh! Looks like a gutter ball." - KDANTEATER "I shouldn't have had that egg salad for lunch. Ooooohhh, that feels better..." - spe934 "Wow, I don't even remember eating a clown." - Pismonque "I don't mind the sushi, but I just can't get used to the smell from the White Castles." - Lenny "SARS: Sumo Ass Response Syndrome." - jadeeyecat "Hey Doc, you got a cure for these?" - Rib tickler "Next time, I'm gonna insist that I get to judge from the front!" - Chortle "Heyyyyy! So that's what happened to Hoffa!" - sammy "Confucious say: Much better to look at solid ground than cracked bottom." - Rib tickler "Yokoma was disqualified for sexually tempting a judge." - Hitman "They call me 'Don Juan in diaper'." - Bouhaki "Can you hear me now? Good." - Gman "I'm a little tea pot short and stout..." - easter "These Japanese sobriety tests are hell!" - Hitman Big Guy: "This is 2:30...that's why they call me the human clock!" Little Guy: "Very good, except your second hand is very small and limp... I give you an 8.5!" - Choker "Everyone gets into the act when they play 'Y-M-C-A' at Chuckie-san Cheez." - Duzitalot "A beefed up Keanu Reeves is too fat to dodge bullets in the fourth Matrix movie, The Matrix Overloaded." - Pismonque  The dogs of war."SWAT team takes its dogs for a quick walk around the park."- Lt Owl "OK...we'll take out the ammo dump, and they'll take out the fire hydrants." - Old Comedywriter "The Army starts recruiting the blind for night combat." - Pismonque "Now's no time to ask me, did I remember to bring the kibble!" - norml "US Commandos deliver lunch to Afghan peasants." - The E Man "I told you guys... anyone who ain't housebroken is goin' overboard." - Choke "This is the last time that I select the emergency exit row." - The Flag Guy "The K-9 assault team gets caught in its seat belts." - Waldo "Didn't you hear them say we would go play 'jump rope', Lassie?" - Lasting Magic "This is how your ASPCA donation money is REALLY spent!" - ScazzMan "How, oh how did I become the pet of an extreme sports enthusiast?" - Lasting Magic "Nobody wanted to be voted off the helicopter." - KDANTEATER "Women and children, like hell. SOLDIERS AND DOGS FIRST!" - stickleback "Cast and crew of 'Snow Dogs II: Electric Boogaloo!'" - bean "Canine fart clears chopper." - rib tickler "Every time we let the dogs out of the chopper, at least one of them has to poop!!" - Duzitalot "Instead of dropping leaflets, the assignment this time is to drop droppings...Let it fly boys!!!" - Duzitalot "French Special Forces raid the Westminster Dog Show." - Duzitalot  You can blame KDANTEATER for this photo. We couldn't think of any captions, but fortunately you could."There is no hose."- Matrix "In case of Humphrey Bogart, use hose." - AMEvil "We do encourage drinking, however." - Bouhaki "Mayor Bloomberg strikes again!" - bean "New California law bans smoking near water hoses to prevent the state from being taken seriously." - Matt "I'm going to smoke that pink hose." - bean "Using a $2.5 million dollar state grant, the people of Skunkweed, Oregon (pop.4) build a fire station." - Duzitalot "Bush puts only one fire hose in the entire Yosemite National Park." - KDANTEATER "General Franks announces successful restoration of the Iraqi water supply." - Anon "When oil prices fall below $1.00 per barrel after Iraq becomes the 51st state, Exxon unveils its new service station." - Duzitalot "Kinda makes you wonder why firemen are so proud of their hoses." - Lasting Magic "Think we're kidding? These are the intestines of the last guy who tried smoking here." - aleacim33 (In smaller almost illegible type) "Daddy's Water Bong" - bean "Every time I get ready to do my business, along comes some fool taking a nonsensical picture." Bear in background doing what bears do best in the woods. - Chortle "High colonic anyone?" - fiftycal  This was a tough one. Any entries with "Kim" are correct."The Bush Administration was ecstatic that the Second Coming occurred on its watch, but was dumbfounded that Jesus came back as a Korean."- Chung "Beam me up, Kim!" - Bouhaki "North Korean Information Minister, Flung Poo Kim, explains, "When you have a nuclear testing program and your country is just the size of Louisiana, of course you're going to develop a nice healthy glow!" - Duzitalot "Mr. Kim, the new Korean CEO of NBC, introduces the new logo. Out with the peacock. In with the Whirligig." - Hodink "No more SARS here, *cough* all gone, *gag* come back and spend money! *cough*" - Freedom Toast "I don't need a nuclear bomb. I'll give everybody SARS." - Hodink "The US Air Force tests its new targeting system on a Korean volunteer." - spe934 "To forget about his small penis, Kim decided to go on an acid trip." - Bobbylee "This looks like a job for weanie-man! To the weanie mobile!" - KDANTEATER "That giant clock is completely worthless!" - KDANTEATER "And then Kim realized it. It was a giant eye." - KDANTEATER "He was watching the nude dancing so much, Kim failed to see the giant man-eating monster staring right at him." - KDANTEATER "Come on people, now. Smile with your others, everybody get together, try to love one another right now." - KDANTEATER "He looked at the psychedelic logo for too long." - alexlawson2000 "Do not touch my hazy afro. It will smite you." - bean "Very colorful halo! Still enjoying the honeymoon period!" - vickrishnan "Here is my advice to you. Stay away from flying saucers today." - Chortle "So, you think it was the 'blotter'?" - qing "It's the genetically-modified sushi that gives me that glow!" - easter  This photo brought out all the gays, homophobes and women who like looking at men's butts, i.e., almost everybody."Pee I Joe."- KDANTEATER "Polish crack party." - Duzitalot "Madonna's landscapers pose for their group photo." - Lenny "Waiting to audition for the Christina Aguilera dance team." - april11 "Clench...2...3...Release...2...3: Richards Simmons' newest nude exercise video." - Bobbylee "Dude! You dropped the soap! You pick it up!" - LtOwl "You've got to be kidding - pick it up yourself!" - ozxile "Don't look now guys, but I think those Iraqi looters just took off with our uniforms!" - Hitman "These men are not naked." - Iraqi Information Minister "US soldiers in Iraq send a message to the anti-war protesters." - Bobbylee "Hey, c'mon! Christian Amanpour is gonna interview the whole platoon!" - Lou P "42 virgins MY ASS!" - KDANTEATER "US soldiers give Saddam the 21 moon salute." - Bobbylee "I think we've been infiltrated by Saddam's oldest son!" - Hitman "Everybody line up for the Shortest Penis competition. Hey you, third from the left, wrong line." - Chris "The first idea for the Band of Brothers' poster didn't go well with the focus group." - mda8 "The annual pissing contest." - Lasting Magic "I haven't seen this many asses since I quit watching The Price is Right." - Duzitalot "The annual outing for the Attention-Seeking, Silly Egoists Society ("ASSES") fell flat when participants realized they had failed to check the tide charts before scheduling their fishing trip." - Jiminy Crewcuts "There was a 75% increase in arrests after the Post Office displayed the new Most Wanted photos." - Hodink "Don't ask, don't tell." - Ben la Dien "Who needs the sun with all these moons?" - IcyBlue "It only seems kinky the first time." - Bouhaki "Gay team limbo becomes an Olympic demonstration sport." - Zeke "And as they showered they all sang their favorite song, 'In The Navy.'" - Bobbylee "Clothing optional resort for men only. Read a book. Learn to cook. Or just look." - Rachel Edith "The South Haversham Drama Society Community Players proudly present 'The Full Monty.'" - RPM "Girl's night out." - jc "Choose a hunk! No masks! No nothing! Select a new husband! Trade-ins welcome!" - Rachel Edith "Response line to Halle Berry's personal ad in Garlic - The stinky newspaper." - Lenny  Julia Roberts' debut in Garlic - The stinky newspaper!"Julia Roberts at Carnivale"- Bebe "At the Julia Roberts' autopsy." - crackerjack "Believing they are the victims of a cruel hoax, future archaeologists discard Julia Roberts' fossilized remains." - AAACK "After too many years of Botox, Joan Rivers began to sprout mini-Joans, copies of which can be purchased on QVC." - LingeringSmell "Mexican version of Bart Simpson makes his debut." - Ben la Dien "Frosty the Snowman goes so wrong." - KDANTEATER "At the concrete pie throwing contest, winner Lance Poke of Fuzzy Gap, West Virginia couldn't stop smiling, and probably never will." - Duzitalot "Frankly, my day is mostly spent brushing after meals." - Bouhaki "You should be good at multi-tasking." - Hodink "All I'm saying, with all due respect to the Headless Horseman, is that there may be worse problems than being headless." - Rachel Edith "I can see you have a lot on your mind." - Hodink "In order to keep things 'fresh', McDonald's replaces Ronald McDonald." - spe934 "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then voices say to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " - Hodink "Now I'm very tolerant of other peoples' cultures. However, you look like an idiot." - KDANTEATER "We were drunk. I asked her to give me a little head five times. Nuff said." - Lasting Magic "You may be laughing now, but where was your girl friend last night?" - AMarling "If you're happy and you know it then your face is gonna show it..." - Jane "Lester decided to disclose the truth. Yes, he has 5 personalities. And to ease communication, he now points to whomever he is at the time." - Lasting Magic "What do you mean the Maori Clown Festival was over last week?" - Britney "Must... resist... joke... about... Michael... Jackson... rrrrrrrrrggggg!" - Yakfarmer "Male menopause. Mood swings and emotional instability." - Chortle "I'm crying on the inside." - KDANTEATER  Well, melonheads, we had a record number of entries this week."Saddam's Republican Guard tries desperately to blend in after raiding an Iraqi fruit stand."- Duzitalot "Saddam's bomb-proof headgear was a little outdated." - KDANTEATER "A rare photo of Fred, Barney, Wilma and Betty attending a Lakers game." - LingeringSmell "The freak clones of the Smurfs." - KDANTEATER "Hey Kids! We're the Mighty Morphin' Power Vegans!" - ScazzMan "The Red Hot Chili Peppers when they were paying their dues." - Rachel Edith "The group, Blind Melon, gets an Oprah makeover." - Chortle "The Beatles before they grew their hair." - lim "The Supremes make a comeback, and tour the South." - Lil Miss KVLT "Oh oh, I think that Meatloaf over there thinks that we're real watermelons. Run!" - KDANTEATER "After Gallagher's comedy concert, the front row five were all smiles." - Duzitalot "On the next 'Drew Carey Show': Mimi gives birth to quintuplets." - Tom Slick "'American Idol' auditions that never aired." - KDANTEATER "This is the worst performance of Hamlet that I have ever seen." - KDANTEATER "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." - Bouhaki "Don't gourde yourselves." - KDANTEATER "What did Steve mean by calling us 'crash dummies'"? - KDANTEATER "Milwaukee, Wisconsin gets a professional football team; fans become the 'Milwaukee Melon Heads.'" - lrod54 "The Special Olympics starts a football team." - goovoo "Vegetarian war protesters gain national attention at a Georgia football game." - Hitman "Recruits for the Greenpeace Army." - Colonel Cray "Silvia's former financial advisors were sorry they hadn't helped her launch her multi-million dollar melon hat business, having told her it was a silly-ass notion." - Hitman "Melon-oma support group rally." - Duzitalot "Fruit of the Loom tryouts." - Rachel Edith "If only you could see the matching underwear set." - Bobbylee "It's true. Watermelons are 98% retarded." - Aaron.net "The L.A. sky diving team poses for the camera after landing head first in a melon field." - Steven "Everybody here in Iowa has been so nice since we broke out of our pods." - Choker "We will enslave you ... resistance is futile ..." - Hoodlum "And today, five mirthful aliens have been arrested for engineering crop circles." - Lasting Magic "Come to me, my Melon-Collie babies!" - D0SQueen "Oh my god! Can you believe what SHE is wearing?" - drpeck "The annual corporate picnic includes a celebration of their new LSD product line." - AlternateTherapy "We regret to inform the panel that all attempts to clone the Jolly Green Giant have failed hideously." - Jane "Why is there only one girl in this picture? Hmmm, I wonder if has anything to do with intelligence." - diafygi  "He had promised her the moon and the stars." - Lasting Magic "Military earrings. A bit big, but enchanting." - Chortle "Security remains high at ClownFest 2003..." - Duzitalot "Joe wondered if he really could 'Be All That He Can Be'..." - spe934 "I wish they would find a way to stop those stupid birds from dropping doody on my helmet!" - Ward Cleaver "Turkish Army hires Martha Stewart to design new soldier look." - Yorkster "There was just one problem with the Turkish Army's new helmet to combat friendly fire." - GWB "Turkish Army tries out new helmet to detect incoming astrological signals." - Nimrod Reporter: "Hey Boris, you won the war, what are you going to do now?" Boris: "I'm going to Disney World!!!" - lrod54 "Smile, you're on Kremlin Camera!!!" - rib tickler "Republican Guardsman just couldn't understand why people kept asking him if he was horny." - Antikrish "After the smoke cleared, BOB REALIZED THAT HE HAD BEEN FIGHTING ON THE WRONG SIDE!!!" - Hitman "I should have taken the blue pill." - NavyBussGirl "A scene from Elton John's worst music video." - KDANTEATER "First mission objective - blend in." - rib tickler "The movie audience screamed, "Watch out!" to the soldier, who was devoured by the giant in the red sweatshirt." - Hodink 
"I am Sam." - mOoreen "I peerthed my tongue, b'cauth m'wife likth d'wait pheelth, 'ath hole!" - Tigerboy "At the Overeaters' Anonymous convention, 'Joe' demonstrates how he was able to control his weight, while a sceptic looks on." - Duzitalot "See The Exorcist Redux. This time, boys and girls, it isn't pea soup. Look out!" - Bouhaki "Read my lips! I did not have sexual relations with that man..." - yabbadaubado "I tell you, your Honor, those cookies were stale and the milk was sour." - KDANTEATER "While his lawyer looked on, and for the benefit of the jury, Claude pointed to the exact location of his missing tooth. Proof that the Tooth Fairy was capable of gross misconduct when no money was left under Claude's pillow." - GiftGazer "Before you count the money, always lick your fingers thusly." - Chortle "I've been accused of vulgarity, but I say that's bullshit." - Hodink "Aaagh! He needs a breath freshener." - Zahevan "You know what they say about long fingers." - Hodink "Go ahead, ask me that question again. See what I do!" - bean "The Coalition picks a man with autism as the interim leader of Iraq." - tiLLa "My own personal version of 'shock and awe' is to show people my tongue prosthesis." - Chortle "I was bound and, as you can see, he took the phrase 'like pulling teeeth' wayyyyyyy too far." - Hodink "That damn corn on the cob always gets caught on my back chicklet (note to self: buy dental floss)." - Pally Winkah "Stop staring at my pimple!" - rumbello "Damn those cold sores." - jaxin910  "Two Cans Samantha!" - Drakkhen "Madonna on acid." - lrod54 "Rainbow implants are all the rage in Guatemala." - Duzitalot "Gilda wondered why the critics didn't take her acting seriously." - Lasting Magic "Mr. Blackwell's 10 worst dressed list is out again, and on it is Pete Rose in this ensemble." - Chortle "Carmen Miranda dancing for joy after using Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon." - GiftGazer "Drunk party goers in India mistake festive elephant condoms for new wonder bra." - Kan Du "RuPaul's long lost twin, or the next Spice Girl." - SoCal97 "Dennis Rodman releases first collection for men's fashion." - Zainey "In the latest cloning tragedy, RuPaul and Dennis Rodman's stem cells combined." - KTHOMPSONJR "The FDA announced today that eating too many Skittles can cause unusual side effects." - LingeringSmell "How did you know I was dyeing Easter eggs earlier today?" - Choker "Look into my tits....you are getting very sleepy, when I snap my fingers you will be a chicken." - dexterdog "Western Conference WNBA franchise, the Oakland Ariolas, show off their away team uniforms." - Biter "What happens when you fall face first into Dr. Seus juice." - april11 "If lucky, we have that one moment, when life is fulfilled. This is Rita's moment." - Bouhaki "Unidentified protestor marching to demand equal rights for gay beehives." - News Hax "Got milk?" - Hitman "Your little disguise can't fool us, Rush Limbaugh!" - KDANTEATER  "Mike Tyson and cellmate, next on 'Escape from Sanity Island'" - worried "Get back here and fight like a transsexual demi-demon!" bean "Gorilla police unit enforces no cellphone policy." Meurice "They said this road leads to Banana Republic. Babycakes, you see any bananas up there?" - Rachel Edith "Use the passing lane, moron!" KDANTEATER "See that? There goes my ex-husband and his lovely paramour." - Lasting Magic "Only in San Francisco." AMarling "King Kong and his Queen finally go on a cruise vacation!!" - LRod54 "We'll never get to the Empire State Bulilding in this traffic." Breezey "The scene they cut out from R.E.M.'s video of 'Everybody Hurts.'" bean "I wonder if Yao and Shaq are ready for this." Bouhaki "Honey, wait, I meant you look p-h-a-t not f-a-t! That outfit looks great on you, really it does. Please come back..." Tricia "Alien invaders lack dress sense." Madman "Chevy introduces the 'Gay-Gorilla in The Back' feature on their new trucks, the old 'Straight Gorilla in the Back' model having being perceived as too tame by test groups." spider "Pent up road rage alters DNA" Mindwraith "Who invited Mighty Joe Young's relatives to town? And tell his sister to get some clothes on." Natalie "WWF takes to the streets in publicity drive." - Madman  "Anti-war activists take protesting to a "higher" level in Europe." - Uncle Saddam "Why X-ray vision glasses never really succeeded." - gotaLuvIt "With her fine plumage and zest for life, Marie was certain she'd get a rose at the next ceremony." - Tricia "Loretta now wondered if dwelling on artistic freedom had actually helped or hindered her daughter." - Duchelle "Want to know what colors my other body parts are?" - Chortle "Did I use too much eye makeup?" - Sallie "Mary Kay makeover gone bad." - Tricia "Yes, I am Tammy Faye Bakker's daughter." - Solo "Makeover Day on Oprah goes horribly wrong..." - spe934 "...and they said I would look stupid with more collagen than Goldie Hawn ... ha!" - Zainey "Julia Roberts tries out her new disguise, but her big mouth gives her away." - Fredd "Honey will you come and adjust the TV again? Julia Roberts' skin is still green!" - duzitalot "Angelina Jolie attempts to go incognito at this year's Oscars." - bean "So you thought Michael Jackson was weird looking before his latest plastic surgery?" - Melonman "Yo, Mick Jagger. Put your lips in. Showtime!" - Chortle "Today in Music News: Mick Jagger Leaves Rolling Stones & Joins Insane Clown Posse." - ScazzMan "Village People meet Slipknot?" - BoOz CoWz "Disney's new movie, "Attack of the Yellow-Blue-Red Thing," wasn't as big a hit as they hoped it would be...." - Sai "I've been using Botox for years. Works for me!" - Rachel Edith "What did I tell you... Don't drink before your Botox injection?" - Esme "All Day Lips ... Lip color that won't rub-off, smear-off or kiss-off." - Lasting Magic "Read my lips!" - Duchelle "Man! That chili was hot!" - bobdown "Local librarian loses shit bigtime." - bean "Blurrippp! That last one was NAASTY!" - ozxile "Urp. . . man, those mushrooms were safe, right?" - Powell "I do body painting. Not of people. Of cars. Only, some days we do drugs and then we do body painting ... of cars and people." - Duchelle "Honey, I drugged the kids." "Honey, does this LSD make my lips look fat?" "Honey, do these lips make my eyes look fat?" "Big Bird on crack." "Ronald McDonald's mid-life crisis." "The fashion police are on their way, ma'am." - KDANTEATER "Come Doctor, we have successfully spliced Playdoh into the DNA strand!!!" - mojoguy "Ssshh... I'm in a Witness Protection Program." - Chortle  We had a record number of entries for this photo - over 200 - and the winners are: "Welcome to Blind Date Siberia!"  "Uruk-hai confounded by bizarre "binocular" technology." - bean "Your little disguise cannot fool us, Janet Reno." - KDANTEATER "George Bush wearing his idea of protective gear made of aluminum foil and duct tape." - eldorado "I don't want to represent See No Evil. I'm telling you damn fools here and now. I would be better as Speak No Evil!" - Rachel Edith "The results of Michael Jackson's final facelift." - Glenn S. "Maybe I can get a peek at the 25 contestants for my TV show, The Horny Weirdo." - Lasting Magic "Roooar - look at these chicks. They make me horny." - eNFlamed "Darth Raider enjoys a night out at the opera." - Zuluwarper "Attendance at the opera always goes up on Free Helmet Night." - Null 'n Void "Margaret Thatcher is back... The iron lady in her iron mask, last seen watching Iraqi airspace " - mguinty "Hillary Clinton (sans makeup) playfully "turns the tables" on the D.C. paparazzi." - WhoMe? "UN Weapons Inspector, Thor Dilkbjorn, enforces Resolution 1441 with pair of Wal-Qaeda-Mart binoculars." - eric singer "Eric the Red...Plunderer, Torturer, Conqueror and, yes...avid bird watcher." - duzitalot "Lemme see. . . 40 yards to the green, three Power Rangers in the left hand rough. . . Caddy, I'll need a six iron and a small tactical nuke." - Powell "Bush goes undercover to search for the whereabouts of Dick Cheney." - Tricia "It's the year 2055. The Martian Marauders finally made it to the Super Bowl." - Lrod "Halloween 18: Jason Goes To a Vikings Game." - duzitalot "American Football's new franchise, the Vikings, face first obstacle getting new helmet design approved." - Zainey  "Fresh from Cuba... ahhhh..." - spe934 "Hugh Grant rumored to have impregnated whale, tests show negative." - xemogirlx "My pen leaked something fierce!!" - Ryan "Impermeable umbrella, my ass!" - alinutza "Though pelted with countless water balloons, a young Arthur Fiedler continues to direct the Boston Pops." - duzitalot "Oil executive exclaims: "Global warming my ass!" - Powell "But it worked for Mary Poppins!" - Tricia "Well, it worked for Moses." - KDANTEATER "I think I have the winning pencil, Captain Nemo." - duzitalot "Famous French detective, Hercule Poirrot, finds the missing cigar in the Clinton/Lewinsky case." - Brian "Waiter! Dom Perignon for me, please. And an inflatable life raft for my friend." - Bouhaki "I'll sign, I'll sign!!" shouted Saddam as the H2O-16's unleashed their fury....." - duzitalot "Who told you you're allowed to monsoon on my parade?" - Lasting Magic "High wire act foiled by flood, small bike theft." - xemogirlx "Lighting up in the new smoking section of a New York restaurant." - Robert "You can never get a cab when you need one." - Steve "Scenes that didn't make the final cut of Titanic." - Zainey "Walt Disney goes on location for 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." - Null 'n Void  "Camel shotgun weddings are the rage in Bombay." - Lasting Magic "Road rage in Baghdad!!" - LROD "A crowd gathered in the distance to watch Hamid and Habib teach their camels to French kiss." - LingeringSmell "You kiss better than Saddam!" - Glenn "Cover for the new album by heavy metal band Guns N' Kissing Camels." - bean "My friend, life is like a camel. You can make it do anything except back up" - RachelEdith "And, stop! Oh, Saddam will love this shot - his gazebo framed just so!" - bean "When the ink-blot test was digitally remastered, it turned out to be an Iraqi postcard showing the monument of the lost diaphragm." - duzitalot "Dad, this circus sucks." "Silence, my son. Keep clapping." - bean "Camel spitting contest ends in a draw. Both camels spit on 265 people in 15 minutes, a new record." - Bouhaki "They may just look like camels, but Saddam just loves the new Honda ZX300 tanks with racing bucket seats." - Zainey "Announcing camel and rider judging results. Droopy and Slouchy on left get 4.6. Rigid and Stiffy on right get 9.7. Ahem, keep your gun pointed upward, there Slouchy, you poor loser." - Lasting Magic "And as this slide clearly shows, Iraq continues to develop weapons of mass repetition" - duzitalot "Hey Abdul?! You know that the two humpers have the right of way over one humpers!" - LROD "...so I said, that's not my camel, that's my wife!" - Killswitch  "The December offering of the "Gazelle-of-the-Month-Club" was a big hit." - duzitalot "Silly Christian, I celebrate Kwanza." - Mlle. de Vaudou "This is like New Labour, too much fluff, not enough body." - Samus "If you're a wizard hiding behind a curtain, it's never a good idea to piss off a lion ... whether he has courage or not." - LingeringSmell "The unseen R. Kelly Video." - Imsick "I just love my Birthday!!!" - smitty "Well, so much for Richard Simmons." - KDANTEATER "Have you got any Grey Poupon?" - Lasting Magic "Thanks for wrapping the old lady as a gift! She tasted great, but, do you have a toothpick for this paper?" - LROD "New convenient wrapping, my butt." - Zainey "But I wanted TIGGER, Mommy", was the last thing little Jimmy was heard to say. - duzitalot "Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast ..." - bean "St. Nick Crash Lands in Congo " - Zredd "Great taste! Less filling! Want more!" - Lasting Magic "I'm the King of the bloody jungle, why do I have to wrap the Christmas presents?" - Dung_Beetle "Mommy, what happened to the pet rabbit you promised me for Christmas?" - Thingamajig "These McHorse Burgers taste like crap." - MaccaWacca "Umm! Tastes like chicken." - sieu  "It was at this time that Rudolph realized that all the snow had melted and there was still no sign of Santa." - Zeeeb "With twin machine guns mounted on his head, James Bong headed for the island lair of Dr. Maybe." - Bazza "Jimmy did not let his strange deformity stop him from entering the ocean swimming race." - Badddboy "Only after a $10 million study determined that antlers were ineffective weapons did the Navy Caribous abandon them and change their name to the Navy Seals." - duzitalot "After sabotaging the oil tanker, Rudolph attempts to swim to shore unnoticed by the authorities." - bean "Can you hear me now? Good!" - Lasting Magic "Can you hear me now? Good!" - Dung Beetle "Professor Wasserstein attempts to prove that the statement on his reindeer outfit - 'Not to be used as a personal flotation device' - is an unfounded lie." - duzitalot "The US Navy used non-lethal harpoons to repel swimming Greenpiece activists." - Zippy "Honey, I don't think that I can fix this plumbing leak after all." - Dung Beetle "This Caribou tracking method has testicular drawbacks, but the radio reception is awesome." - micronuts "With Santa looking the other way, Rudolf was determined to give the fish the presents that they rightfully deserved." - KDANTEATER "An undercover Canadian police officer attempts to apprehend a drug smuggler's dinghy." - Timitsoo "Black sheep of Rudolph's family discovered in waters: Rudolph maintains his innocence. Story at 11." - Tricia "Norman, isn't that your weird cousin Henry over there?" "Lordy, yes Sugarplum. Just pretend that you don't see him." - Lasting Magic "They won't let me join in any reindeer games either, Rudolph. I'm going home!" - Pacergal "My wife keeps asking me if I'm a man or a mouse, now I know for sure I'm a mouse!" - jacko "Binky's comical attire was always the same ... a lampshade on land and antlers in the water. Such a card!" - LastingMagic "Is the snorkel supposed to be on the front or back of the head?" - jabourque "It's the story of Larry the drunk-ass reindeer." - KDANTEATER  "'Watch ouuuuuuuuutttttttttttt every body'" - hot girllllllllllllllgrrrrrrrrr "It seemed like a beautiful day for Jim to crash the Harvard-Yale regatta." - bean "The hobbit leaps into battle against the centipede orcs." - Bebe "What is that object heading towards my butt hole?" - Charlie "After the coxswain was removed from his rectum, Charles learned to look before he leaped." - Zredd "Damn! I forgot to shave my knees again." - Tricia "ATA enforces policy on 'No shirt, No shoes, No service.'" - Pacergal "We're here at the Hudson River in New York and the crowd is screaming, 'Jump! Jump!' to the suicidal man. Folks, this is not your average final dive. This guy has flash and dash. And, uh, splash. So long, punk. Great dive." - Lasting Magic "Little did Olympic Gold Medalist, Chip Tanner, know that this was the height of mating season for piranhas in the Schetze River." - Iwannapony "Gregg Louganis retires to the all nude diving and rowing retirement home." - L.ROD "Mmm! I must land on that boat! It's full of gorgeous boys!" - Dreamboat "Hope you can't see my sack from down there." - louiedopeman "Gimme an upside down T!" - bean "Human Origami Frozen in Midair - After managing to fold himself like the popular crane origami, Jay Marx suffered cramps and was stuck in this position for more than three hours." - Byron  "Excuse me I'm looking for a big American building." - abore "Singapore cracks down on chewing gum cell." - Zredd "Last Free Man of Rogue 80's Band "Menudo" Apprehended" - trippah "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't know you had such strict policy on Star-Wars line cutting." - Pacergal "You will never touch another little boy again, you bastard!" "I was shopliftin-!" "Shutup!" - GoldmemberZ "Korean man shows proof he successfully cloned people 20 years ago." - Slick "Sure do feel more secure with the cops wearing the masks." - Lasting Magic "Italian police don't take too kindly to Jung-Hwan Ahn's World Cup goal." - st0rmjunkie "Even as a full grown adult, Elian Gonzales is still being ripped out of closets by armed, masked troops." - Richard Dziegielewski "I heard the knock. They said it was pizza delivery!" - barney "I'm goin' to Disney World!" - Attmay  "Damn, that must have hurt coming out, but feel the heat off that thing." - Bear3568 "Lord Sauron, I know you want the Ring of Power for Christmas, but how about settling for a Fujitsu Digital Camera instead?" - Richard Dziegielewski "Ahhh, see, our new nuclear bomb is also a hand warmer!!!" - L.Rod "I'm telling you, if you make it pretty like this, the UN inspectors will NEVER KNOW..." - Iwannapony "It's the new and improved Magic 8 Ball" - Pacergal "Aha! Magic 8 Ball says "Signs point to yes!"" - Tricia "Amazing! With this ball you can see right into Bush's brain." - Yabbadaubado "Suddenly, the crown disappeared, and Prince Moonface was disappointed to learn that he would not become King after all." - Drizzt  "Dang, and me without any melted butter." - KDANTEATER "Well, we normally make this recipe with dog..." - babaloo "Mmm! Smells like chicken." - upsidedown "How can you tell if this is a male or female?...Ouch!!" - silkyritch "Um yes, this is a male lobster. Large testicles!" - Iwannapony "Look into my scorpion... You are getting... very... sleepy..." - bean "See! I told you if I didn't use that face cream, my nose would get dry and scally." - superham82 "Scorpions are relatively harmless unless of course you hold their tails and put them right in front of...." - Reindeer  "I swear, I did not have sexual relations with that man, Mr Pundaburanjitdambojisuhabjit!" - Katchaa "Since splitting with Johnny Quest, Haji has done well for himself." - drambora "Ms. Hand says you really look stupid with that red towel on your head." - B1Blancer "And then after the huge puff of smoke... my genie appeared." - Pacergal "My nude sock puppet will now introduce my new clothing line, seen here on my right..." - RojeeringGood "Fellow Punjabis, I feel your pain." - Engin "If you Punjabis ever try to attack New York I will beat you to death with my penis." - Silkyritch "Well, I did have an olive branch in my hand, now where did it go?" - KDANTEATER "I recently discovered that I am partly Punjabi." - Bebe "This isn't the International Pun Society?" - Manson "Hard money, soft money, PAC money, Punjabi money ..." - Bloggit  "Elvis? We thought you said it was a Saddam look-a-like contest." - BigBird "Saddam many fat guys in a boat." - Squiggly "Trust me, Saddam! This worked like a charm in The Mouse That Roared." - Masters Gambit "Quick lookalikes! Let's get outta here before the REAL Saddam arrives!" - libertychild1 "Baywatch are you seeing this? Sign me up dudes!" - mervynbeh "Gee Saddam, your impostor outings are always the dreamiest!!" - Jack "Oh, those wacky Saddam clones, you really never know where they'll turn up!" - planetfall "In the year 2250 when the sun's ultraviolet rays ultimately pierce the earth's atmosphere allowing the brilliant yet harmful rays to bask down upon us in full glory, mustaches will be in, and clothes out." - Chad "University of Saddam row crew...rowing anyway they want." - asialauren "I TOLD YOU THERE WERE NO WOMEN AT THAT IRAQI NUDIST CAMP BUT WOULD YOU LISTEN...NOOOOO!!!" - buckmudbone "The US Navy's got nothing on us, boys. CHARGE!!!" - Peanuthead |
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The Web's Wittiest News Satire |
